This is enough, Sho tells himself, not for the first time.

The Arashi lounging room is full of newly bathed Arashi members and post-concert activities—Ohmiya SK are yey-ing and yay-ing at the top of their lungs, with Aibachan joining in the ruckus, arms flailing, occasionally stopping to dry his hair [which is really funny because Aibachan was bawling his eyes out just minutes before, saying over and over how the fans’ devotion touched him deeply, while their youngest was trying not to do the same and Nino was yelling at them to stop because it makes his Oh-chan cry, too, poor Oh-chan]. MatsuJun is nowhere to be seen as he has seen fit to reward himself with an hour long bath [An hour is too long, Aibachan declared. Not if you sweat an awful lot and your hair is full of various types of goo, Nino countered sagely, earning him a tilted head, a moment of silence and a burst of laughter from their eldest. If you’re always as slow as that, you’d get hit by a truck, Oh-chan, Nino giggled]. Shokun is sitting on the dresser; smoking to his heart’s content, watching.

Just watching, like he has always done.

Sho Sakurai, 25, has been looking, gazing, staring at his Captain for years now. Not from the start, no. Back then, Sho barely even noticed the older boy. It wasn’t Sho’s fault, though. Even then, Satoshi had refused to be flashy. But when he first saw Satoshi dance, the first time he saw those sleepy eyes transform into two sets of focused energy, he was shocked. Very indecently shocked, in fact. How could that slow moving, spaced out boy move with such precision? It seemed illogical, incomprehensible even, Sho thought. Then, he heard Satoshi sing, and he felt what started as grudging respect, turn into admiration, then into full-fledged awe for the older Junior.

When he learned of debuting with Satoshi [he had been Satoshi for Sho from the beginning], he could hardly contain his excitement. Sho lost no time befriending his awe-inspiring senpai—talking to him [albeit one-sidedly], laughing at his absent minded jokes, learning about his hobbies, showing open praises to his very obvious talents [despite how perplexing it was for him that Satoshi was beyond good at everything he sets his mind on—there’s dancing and singing, yes, and sports and the arts, and it’s obvious that the gods played favorites, too].

Slowly, as in the natural course of things, Sakurai Sho felt something not altogether wholesome for Ohno Satoshi. There were some self-recriminations, a lot of hesitations, not to mention major embarrassments [Showers were horrible, but onsens were the worst. Particularly the incident with the smelling salts. Let’s not get into that, seriously], but thankfully, his education, plus, several eye-opening experiences had left him with explanations that whatever it was he was beginning to feel was anything but perverse, allowing him to be hopeful that one day, the other boy would look his way.

What he didn’t expect was the competition.

In the early days of Arashi, it was evident that Satoshi was the odd-man out. After all, the three youngest were all in M.A.I.N with Toma, while he was Sho Sakurai, one of the popular and revered Juniors. And although they had all worked together before their group launch, the four of them did not know of anything they shared in common with the strangely quiet artistic boy. This all changed drastically a couple of years later, with Satoshi becoming the most popular member of Arashi for Arashi. By then, he was their most disrespected Leader—teased for the slightest of reasons, picked on without provocation, blamed for virtually everything. And then, suddenly, all of them were hugging, kissing and molesting Satoshi. Everyone kept on touching him, and Sho couldn’t help but notice that he was not the only one longing for their eldest.

Sho knew that if he didn’t stake his claim, somebody would and fast. And he was right. Nino, the cunning little fox, played on Satoshi’s need to be needed, touched and whined at his Oh-chan, and practically sewed himself to the other boy’s hip. MatsuJun, the king of indirectness, underlined subtle love quotes in all the books Satoshi borrowed from him [Good thing it was not a beauty contest, or Jun, having triumphed over his unrequited love for Keio Boy Sakurai and emerging from his cocoon to turn into the most dazzling of Do-S JE idols, would have won, hands down]. Sho, true to form, was immobilized by panic. Aibachan, the smartest of all the members, showed interest at first but withdrew from what soon became a battlefield. And amidst the blood and gore stood Ohno Satoshi, untainted by it all, his mind frolicking with the dolphins somewhere in fairyland [This is an exaggeration: there were no playful dolphins and there were no violent battles (there were pillow fights, did that count?), just an unspoken understanding of the may-the-best-man-win type between three friends—just three because Sho was busy panicking and deliberating with himself on what he should or shouldn’t do, the other four oblivious to his turmoil. And Satoshi probably just didn’t notice anything at all because the four were not exactly blatant about their feelings for him—except Nino. Everyone [yes, that includes you and I] knew what Nino felt for and thought of their Leader, even Satoshi himself].

When it became apparent that Satoshi reciprocated Nino’s feelings, the others just let them be, leaving possessive Nino to hug his Oh-chan forever and ever amen. Sho, having snapped out of his immobility, was jealous, at first.

When jealousy gnawed at his thoughts, Sho would consider confessing. At times when he felt so much, he would tell himself this is it, I shall tell him. But something would block his throat and his chance would slip away. Then, in moments of lucidity, he would ask himself, what was there to confess, anyway? He had never dared to label what he felt. He just knew that what he felt for Satoshi was something fierce and beautiful, and watching Satoshi moved him in ways he could not quite fathom. So what would he say, then—Satoshikun, you move me? It sounded ridiculous even to him, and would have ended with his Leader looking at him in confusion, or with Satoshi finding an excuse to exercise his lungs—with laughter or incredulity, he was not sure which it would be.

Not knowing how he felt for certain and what should be done about it, Sho attempted to move on and trained his eyes elsewhere. For a while, it seemed he found someone else. A lot of someone elses, actually; women and men who loved him, kept his rules and played his games, made him happy [or at least they tried to]; people he grew fond of and cared for, until he realized he was being unfair—to others, because whether it was deliberate or not, he was using them, hurting them needlessly; to himself, because Satoshi was the only one he ever wanted.

So he contented himself with waiting until he knew exactly what it was he was feeling. Until he was sure he can steel himself to the seemingly inevitable. Until he was certain he can tell Satoshi to be ready for his revelations. Until he was definite he can warn Nino to be prepared to protect his own interests. Until he was positive he can caution Aibachan and MatsuJun to run for cover. Until he was convinced everyone is ready for the possible changes that would happen. Until he was confident he has found the right words to say [this might take a while, though. Maybe he’d better write a letter instead], regardless of what these words would bring him.

But waiting was difficult.

Especially at times when he was alone with his Leader.

The most dangerous of these were when he would be roomed with his Satoshi. Once the lights were switched off, Sho would feel an overwhelming urge to rub all of himself against the older man. This and a lot of inappropriate thoughts left him awake and sweating in his bed, and he would end up touching himself to the rhythm of Satoshi’s even sleeping breathing [which brought him lots of problems as he would overlook the bringing of tissues and would mean that he’d have to get up and wash in the bath. If only he weren’t such a stickler for cleanliness, he would have wiped himself against the sheets, like Aibachan and Nino did when they were all younger]. And no, he never tried seducing Satoshi, because among the things that he took seriously were honesty, integrity, friendship and Arashi.

On one particular night, Arashi’s Leader got roaring drunk after an end-of-tour celebration. Upon getting into their room, Satoshi flopped face down on his hotel bed, still fully dressed. Sho, named mommy hen for obvious reasons, automatically approached the older man to remove his shoes, socks, shirt and pants [and underpants…No, maybe not the underpants, Sho mused to himself, gulping audibly]. But after stripping the other of his party-soiled clothes, Sho found himself rubbing his cheek on Satoshi’s thighs, his hands caressing the back of Satoshi’s knees. Sliding up the older man’s back, Sho licked his Leader’s neck and worked his way to those full lips. Then, as suddenly as it happened, Sho retreated, grabbing the bed sheets to cover Satoshi. What the fuck was that, Sho asked himself repeatedly. When Nino entered the room, Sho was in his own bed, full of guilt and exhilaration [the liter of water he drank didn’t help calm him at all, just made him want to pee all over the place], almost grimacing when he noticed Satoshi’s sock-clad feet peeking under the covers.

Ne, Shokun, you got that faraway look again, their Leader observes. Thinking of something?

Satoshi, what would you do if you knew? Sho muses wistfully.

Of course, he is. The guy can think, as most guys can. Now you, you’re a different story altogether, Nino says sweetly.

Leader, whose worried eyes were trained on Sho, swivels his head slowly. With a deadly grin, he pounces on bad Nino.

Nino tries desperately to escape his Captain’s grasp. But when Ohno Satoshi is vengeful, he is unstoppable. Nino squeals under older man’s tickling fingers, hitting high notes. And to make things worse, Aibachan traps Nino’s feet, ending the latter’s struggles.

This is the scene towel-wrapped half-naked MatsuJun sashays into.

Children, do keep it down, their youngest commands.

Arashi’s Leader catches Nino’s eye, and both men lunge at MatsuJun’s towel, as Aibachan scrambles out of the way. And Sho almost runs over to catch the taller man, as the accident prone one nearly hits the floor. MatsuJun laughs and everyone joins him because when he’s laughing he is at his most beautiful and most compelling.

The Ohmiya SK exchange of glances does not escape Sho, and again, he wishes he is the one Satoshi tries to catch the eye of to exchange mischievous looks with, the one who touches Satoshi with impunity, the one Satoshi touches impulsively [He does his share of touching with his very receptive Leader, which does not escape the all-seeing eyes and ageless mind of one Ninomiya Kazunari. He does it seemingly at random times, but they are all deliberate. And all tucked away in his treasure chest of memories, which he opens in the privacy of his bed, among other moments of laughter and solemn discussions—usually about food]. But apart from these premature wishes, he is content with waiting, satisfied with what he can get.

Someone announces that dinner is ready and the four rush to put on some clothes. Crushing his last cigarette, Sho approaches the others, and with some small talk, they proceed to the dining area.

Sometime in their small walk to sustenance, Satoshi comes up beside Sho, and slowly, the Arashi Leader puts an arm on Arashi’s resident genius’ shoulders. Thumping down the excitement running through his body, Sho smiles at his Satoshi.

This is enough, Sho declares, not for the last time.

It is sho's POV and ohno-centric but i see lines of ohmiya running gaily along the paragraphs.

Labels: fanfiction